Just a Collection of Rambles;
Haven’t blogged every thing out in a while so I figured I might as well. Well world things have been so up and down lately but there back up again. Crossing my fingers they stay that way. Went from getting hours at work, to getting sick and having to call out, and I’m back to getting hours again. This apartment is still pretty lame though to say the least. But we have a roof over our heads so that’s all that matters right? My heart has been at a back and forth battle, that hasn’t changed. But hell, the heart is a tricky fellow. I guess I’ve adapted to these city lights and sounds again. Yet, it’d be absolutely wonderful to visit whatever “middle of nowhere” that there may be around here for a day. Pretty much lost contact with every one back in Oklahoma since I left except for that cowboys family and a dear friend I’ve known since high school. So maybe they really weren’t the people for me. Makes me realize that the people I grew up with here are a lot more loyal and will still always have my back no matter the circumstances. I’d still do any thing to jump on a four wheeler and just go crazy for a few hours. The little that there was to do back in Oklahoma compared to what there is to do here has made me seriously appreciate the simple things in life. I miss living life slowly. Seems like here I’m continuously going and going. But I’ve still got music to help me feel like I’m living a bit slower. It’s almost like I can feel myself aging. The sunshine is lovely though when it decides to visit. For now though, I’m just living day by day, taking things one step at a time. I feel like I could be much farther than I am now though but there’s been a few road blocks. It’s almost been a year now. I still find myself thinking back, still find myself feeling low and realizing I’m still not completely over what happened almost a year ago. Boy, how time truly does fly. Can’t it slow down just a bit? I’ve had a lot of fun times here so far though, some I don’t think ill ever forget. Though, it still doesn’t feel like “home”. Waiting for that feeling. It’s nice being closer to my mom and sister. But boy oh boy are there memories all over these streets. No dirt roads to get lost on. Oh well, these sidewalks will have to do. So for now, I’m just taking things as they come, and lettings fall where they may.
Zungzwang
- Painting Luna
- Full Luna
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Just Another Mental Incision;
Maybe I think too much, maybe worry likes to call itself home. Oh lately time, you’ve just been seeming to try and play tricks on me. Maybe, I’m just a hopeless romantic. Maybe, I am a bit crazy. Just taking it step by step each day in a world that seems to be spinning at massive speeds around me. Or, maybe I’m just losing it. These ups and downs…little ones level out. I think the world is beautiful but feel the people in it make it ugly, and beaten down, torn apart. Take a look at me so you can see. I’m not a danger, just in a state with all these mental incisions. I don’t know how to look at myself any more. I know I have determination, life just seems to enjoy trying to cut it down. Every negative I try and see a positive but every thing tonight is so foggy. I’ve learned to let go, I have but in all to forget is to only block out the people and those things that are damaging to the heart and soul. Oh but why, does it seem to take forever to do so? Maybe I grew up too fast, maybe I took too big of a leap. But that’s not gonna get me down. This weight on my shoulders seems to get heavier each passing day. I’m carrying it, best I can. When a good notion comes by I feel as if I’m dreaming. He’ll maybe it’s the drugs(Lexapro and Ativan) talking. I don’t know. All I long for is something/someone to make me feel complete. Maybe that’s blinding my vision. Hell if I know, all I know is somehow I need to just keep treading on. I almost feel like my soul is sleeping half the time, awaken oh please. Oh tears, go away. I hate myself but maybe that’s the drugs talking.
