What do you do when you feel like your entire world is beginning to fall apart again? When some one feels more distant. Like every thing else in the world has to come first all of the time. When it starts to feel that way for weeks. They repeat things that bug you, are gone most of the time. When they take some one else on trips with them, or bring them around when your not around. When they say one thing and it becomes another. There phone is always coincidentally “dead” when they go over there. When you hear them talk sh** about you to that person. You confront the person don’t these things and they say every time they will fix it, that your the only one they care about. I don’t know maybe I myself made a mistake, when the circumstances for ending before we’re because of an indecisive mind on there part. When you see a message that says, “she won’t be there.” Why would that even matter? When they tell you there glad this said other person went on said trips with them. When they say it was logical that this other person went with because they were helping you. What the hell is that? I don’t know maybe I’m just paranoid? When the only way you find things out is by asking. When you find a letter from this other person saying how they still love the person your with and how they actually slept when they were laying in there bed. You confront that and the answer and the reason they fell asleep together is because there was a kid on the bed. Does that really make sense. It’s still not right. And how there were butterflies when they kisses but oh no that part is talking about when they were dating. Should you really believe those words? When they say there going to a place where you can only be with kids when it’s not dark that they won’t be out late but yet they are. They say they don’t want things to come to an end with you that your the only one they love. Can you really believe words like that with said circumstances? When every one even people that don’t know every thing about the situation say what this person is doing isn’t right, and that it doesn’t make sense and doesn’t add up. When one night they were supposed to meet somewhere but somehow needed up in the same area far off from where they were supposed to be. I don’t know too much analyzing, or truth? Maybe I made a mistake…maybe every one else was right….
Haven’t blogged every thing out in a while so I figured I might as well. Well world things have been so up and down lately but there back up again. Crossing my fingers they stay that way. Went from getting hours at work, to getting sick and having to call out, and I’m back to getting hours again. This apartment is still pretty lame though to say the least. But we have a roof over our heads so that’s all that matters right? My heart has been at a back and forth battle, that hasn’t changed. But hell, the heart is a tricky fellow. I guess I’ve adapted to these city lights and sounds again. Yet, it’d be absolutely wonderful to visit whatever “middle of nowhere” that there may be around here for a day. Pretty much lost contact with every one back in Oklahoma since I left except for that cowboys family and a dear friend I’ve known since high school. So maybe they really weren’t the people for me. Makes me realize that the people I grew up with here are a lot more loyal and will still always have my back no matter the circumstances. I’d still do any thing to jump on a four wheeler and just go crazy for a few hours. The little that there was to do back in Oklahoma compared to what there is to do here has made me seriously appreciate the simple things in life. I miss living life slowly. Seems like here I’m continuously going and going. But I’ve still got music to help me feel like I’m living a bit slower. It’s almost like I can feel myself aging. The sunshine is lovely though when it decides to visit. For now though, I’m just living day by day, taking things one step at a time. I feel like I could be much farther than I am now though but there’s been a few road blocks. It’s almost been a year now. I still find myself thinking back, still find myself feeling low and realizing I’m still not completely over what happened almost a year ago. Boy, how time truly does fly. Can’t it slow down just a bit? I’ve had a lot of fun times here so far though, some I don’t think ill ever forget. Though, it still doesn’t feel like “home”. Waiting for that feeling. It’s nice being closer to my mom and sister. But boy oh boy are there memories all over these streets. No dirt roads to get lost on. Oh well, these sidewalks will have to do. So for now, I’m just taking things as they come, and lettings fall where they may.
- Painting Luna
- Full LunaSee more by the artist here.
Maybe I think too much, maybe worry likes to call itself home. Oh lately time, you’ve just been seeming to try and play tricks on me. Maybe, I’m just a hopeless romantic. Maybe, I am a bit crazy. Just taking it step by step each day in a world that seems to be spinning at massive speeds around me. Or, maybe I’m just losing it. These ups and downs…little ones level out. I think the world is beautiful but feel the people in it make it ugly, and beaten down, torn apart. Take a look at me so you can see. I’m not a danger, just in a state with all these mental incisions. I don’t know how to look at myself any more. I know I have determination, life just seems to enjoy trying to cut it down. Every negative I try and see a positive but every thing tonight is so foggy. I’ve learned to let go, I have but in all to forget is to only block out the people and those things that are damaging to the heart and soul. Oh but why, does it seem to take forever to do so? Maybe I grew up too fast, maybe I took too big of a leap. But that’s not gonna get me down. This weight on my shoulders seems to get heavier each passing day. I’m carrying it, best I can. When a good notion comes by I feel as if I’m dreaming. He’ll maybe it’s the drugs(Lexapro and Ativan) talking. I don’t know. All I long for is something/someone to make me feel complete. Maybe that’s blinding my vision. Hell if I know, all I know is somehow I need to just keep treading on. I almost feel like my soul is sleeping half the time, awaken oh please. Oh tears, go away. I hate myself but maybe that’s the drugs talking.